How do you say alopecia in Korean? – day 119

Any women who has ever gone into a nail salon in the South End knows the powerful effects of the “up sell” machine at play.  If you go in and ask for a pedicure they instantly ask if you want a manicure too.  If you ask for a manicure & pedicure they ask of you want French tips.  And if you’re a Mediterranean woman and venture into the “waxing” category the up sell possibilities become almost endless and board on harassment.

In the past I’ve entered such establishments with my ARMOR UP and quickly make it clear I know exactly what I want and will NOT be sold any more or less.  But like clockwork once they get me on the table for my eyebrow wax they inevitably ask “do you want your lip waxed too”.  I always get instantly offended that a) my defensive act has had zero effect on them and b) they’ve blatantly pointed out I have a mustache that needs waxing. How dare they?

Fast forward to this past Sunday, when I went in to have a relaxing and blissful pedicure.

“No — just a pedicure, No — not a manicure and No  — no French tips”.

As the pedicure was ending and the polish was entering the “dry” phase the technician looked up at me and in her broken english asked “would you like a lip wax”.     WHAT? There I sat, bald a cue ball, eyebrows barley hanging on for dear life.  Not a stray hair anywhere on my body to speak of and STILL Mi Lee felt the pounding, burning need to try to up sell me.  Even she must registered how ludicrous her question was and yet she just couldn’t help herself.  I stared at her for a good 30 seconds completely dumfounded.  Eventually she just got up and walked away.

 

Marathon side effects – day 114

Still recovering from Chemo #4. In the thick of a myriad of side effects from the chemo…from the drugs to manage the chemo and from the drugs that manage the drugs…(you get the idea).  Each morning I wake up hoping it’ll be a better day.  Still waiting.

 

Marathon sleeping – day 111

I just finished chemo #4 and I’m in the sleep phase of it all.  For those calling just know that my phone is in the living room and if I don’t answer it’s only because I’m fast asleep.  I’ll call when i’m back among the consious.

Thans you to folks who dropped off food, flowers and care packages this weekend.  They all helped feel belly and soul all weekend.  xoxo

 

Chemo 3 – not a piece of cake – day 102

Well it’s true, what they say….chemotherapy SUCKS!

If you know someone who’s gone through chemo or is going through chemo – call them now…tell them you love them…don’t hold back.  Tell them you know it’s rough and you’re praying for the day it’s over.  As a participant I will say that it’s not bravery that gets me through, because God knows if I could bail from having to do this, I would! It’s the calls and small acts of kindness from friends that let me know I’m not alone and that some day soon this will be over.  And that when it’s over we’ll all go out and eat sushi and laugh and dream of things to come.

This past chemo was predicted to be a bad one.  The next chemo is supposed to be REALLY bad.  My oncologist says it’ll one of “the worst”.  I can’t quite let myself think about it because I can’t imagine it getting worse.  But whatever it is, it ‘ll pass and I’ll get through it.

Most people I know, know that in January of every year I declare a theme for my year to come.  I call it my “Year of something”.  In my early 30’s I had the “Year of Glam” where I did all things glamorous like I drank champagne on a regular basis, went to the French Riviera, wore a gold bathing suit, etc.  Several years later I had the “Year of YES” when I swore I’d do anything and everything I was invited to do no matter how scary. (It was one of the best years of my life).   I’ve decided to name next year my year of “Stepping out of the box”.  I got this idea from Oprah but I really liked it.  I’m still working on the details but I am definitely stepping it up a notch…why the hell not.

 

Water for Life – day 93

Who knew hydration would be one of my biggest challenges while receiving chemo. After the first infusion I learned I had become severely dehydrated. My doctor took one look at me and instantly read me the riot act. I got a long speech about over working my liver, my dangerously low blood pressure, black outs, stalling treatment, blahblahblah

I guess in my daily self-monitoring “priority list” I kinda rate “do not barfing on anyone today” way above “do I feel thirsty?”

This thing is water tastes really gross and all the crystal lite on the planet can’t change that.  So this past week Jen and the kids set up a water beverage taste-testing.  I rated each one on a scale from 1-10 based on “drinkability” and found a few winners.  FUZE and Vitamin Water turned out to be my favorite.  I’ve already had three of them today. So BRING IT ON, Dr. Moy.

I’m gonna drink from now until Thursday and hope this infusion goes better then the last.

 

It’s all Additive – day 88

Finally coming out of a dark week, thank God!  I think the issue is that the side effects are cumulative. Days 1-2 it’s nausea,days 3-5 it’s nausea and stomach issues,days 5-6 it’s nausea, stomach issues, super tired and dehydration,days 7-9 it’s nausea, stomach issues, super tired, dehydration, dizziness, mouth sores and pissed off.  After that thankfully, I lift out and feel great again.

Needless to say, I live for days 10-14 when I’m back to feeling like myself.

Odd story, totally unrelated to treatment.  Someone sat in my car last night and went through my glove compartment.  Nothing was taken but everything was “touched”.  They even left the interior car lights on. I’m guessing they were looking for gadgets or money to steal in order to pay for their next “fix” but were sorely disappointed to find I only house bad CDs like Duran Duran and De La Sol. — Query — should I feel insulted that even a strung out car robber poo-poos my music selection?

 

Does this dress make me look bald? – day 83

With unnerving precision my doctor said that about 2 days after the 2nd chemo I’d start losing my hair.  And sure enough to the day it happened. So this morning I went to my hairdresser and we shaved it all off.

Oddly I wasn’t as emotional as I expected. I half thought I might have a really large and odd looking cranium that would need to be covered at all costs.  But in the end it’s not a cone-head or a flathead or a freakishly bulbous head — so I’m ok with it.  I also thought she was going to shave me to a shiny “cue-ball” – ala Yul Brynner or Mr. Clean but instead it’s more like a peach fuzz finish — or what the kids call “suede-head”.

pics posted…

 

Chemo #2 – day 81

Second round of chemo was much like the first.  I must admit going in the 2nd time knowing what lies ahead was hard.  It took about 9 days to feel good again after blast #1 which gave me 4 days of bliss before blast #2 but I tell myself it’s necessary, it’s good, it’s temporary…and I go in.

A couple of issues that came up 1) it seems that I’m severely dehydrated and will need to double up on fluids and eliminate salt and caffeine.  I’ve never been particularly good at drinking my 8 glasses of water a day and frankly hadn’t even thought about it these past two weeks but as soon as the MD saw me she gave me the big ‘ole lecture.  Even threatened to have me come in every few days to hook into an IV for fluids if I couldn’t solve the problem.  So I get it – I’LL DRINK more water.  Issue 2) is the mouth sores which she says will unfortunately only get worse as chemo continues.  My game plan here is to only eat ice cream, lots and lots of ice cream .

 

A dish of salt – day 79

Women are stripped of all their femininity with this disease…their hair, their body parts, their hormones — but taking their taste buds really just goes TOO far.

When I read the list of side effects that come with chemo I naturally glossed right over “loss of taste buds”. I mean it’s just not in my DNA to not eat, regardless of taste. Even on my worst flu-like days I eat 3 square meals and a snack.

A perfect example is my cousin Sharell. I once went to visit her post dental surgery. Her oral surgeon told her she’d be “on fluids for a few days post-op” however as I approached her I could see she was eating Planters Peanuts. It was only on further inspection that I realized she was swallowing the nuts WHOLE. — That’s just the kind of stock I come from.

But this past week the chemo started screwing with my taste buds in a way I’ve never experienced. Some things a) have no taste, b) taste really weird or c) taste like sh*t. The game starts the minute I put the food item in my mouth. From there it’s Russian Roulette – (a, b, or c). Examples…chicken tastes like nothing, water tastes like chlorine and beans tastes like ass.

Sometimes when I put something in my mouth and breath out really hard — I can kinda taste salt.

ONE really bright side —- I CAN taste CHOCOLATE and few other super sweet things. Thank God!

 

An F for Attitude – day 77

They tell me attitude is everything but they didn’t mention how many things would “test” my temperament and leave me balling in my reading chair on a random Wednesday night.

I have to say that as the side effects mount and the days drag-on I can feel my mood fraying.

At first I was prepared for nausea and fatigue and both things happened almost immediately.  As I rolled into day 5, I started to feel some secondary side effects.  Ones I’m pretty familiar with but hadn’t felt in a long time — impatience, annoyance, exasperation, general human discomfort.   Maybe it was when the lining of my mouth started to peal away or when all my taste buds vanished except the ones that taste pungent and bitter flavors, like blue cheese or vinegar.  I won’t even mention all the bathroom side effects.  or the dizziness, or the sleepless jittery sleep.

The punchline = I still have a shitload of time left in this thing and already I feel kinda done.

(I know I’m bitching but if  can’t bitch on my own damn blog then where?)